Birds in Boxes

New Yawk is full of animal-like people. You encounter them everyday. The ones who chew with their mouth open, the ones who scratch themselves in public, the ones who smell like they’ve been rolling around in mud for a month. It’s just part of the city.

But never in my 23 years have I seen an animal-like person transporting animals on the subway! Today I encountered such a being that really baffles me.

In this video you will see the top of the box moving. I assure you that there is something in there! Even though hearing the sounds is impossible thanks to the loud MTA, the creatures was cooing and clucking. My consensus is that either pigeons or chickens were in those wine glass boxes.

Ladies and gentleman, I present you with “Cardboard Trapped Animals on The N Train.”

If you are this imbecile or another who does this to animals

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK!

The Perfect Prescription

Who’s there for you when you’re sick? Who gives you medicine to make everything better? Who looks after you when you need care?

If you said “mommy” then it’s time to detach the umbilical cord. Its doctors! And more specifically, it’s female doctors, who have the perfect blend of brains, talent, and TLC.

Yet a new study says that female doctors in New York are making $17,000 less than men. No phrase sums up feelings towards this better than WTF?

A doctor is a doctor, the same way a teacher is a teacher. Gender should not be playing a role in who makes more money. It’s 2011 for Christ’s sake! Yet the glass ceiling still exists and is sickening to know that hard working female doctors who put in grueling hours and then return home to play the role of housewife and mother are not being given the funds that they deserve.

There is only one way to fix this quickly.

If you are a male doctor making more money than a female, pack up your stethoscope and

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK!

Take Your Excuses Elsehwere

Usually drivers don’t give explanations for why they cut you off. And if they do; you’d expect it to be something important like: “My wife just had a baby” or “There’s a shortage of coffee at my Starbucks.”

Today after having someone drive on the other side of the road like we’re in London just to get in front of me for a red light, I was met with the strangest excuse I’ve ever heard.

In my true New Yawker rage, I pulled up beside the car knowing I’d be jumping out when the light goes green. Instead, the car beside me rolls down the window to tell me that my muffler is hanging off and they thought I was pulling over.

Naturally I went into a panic wondering how my muffler could become separated from my car without me hearing the metal scratching against the street. I pulled over already fully preparing for another life stress to see that my muffler was perfectly fine and in it’s normal position.

The only explanation for this ludicrous excuse is that the driver was not a New Yawker. His license plate read “California.”

If you’re a bad actor who returned to New Yawk to recite stupid excuses

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK!

Reality Check Please!

You know what’s sad? People who don’t know what they are.  Let me explain:

The other day a woman hit me in the face with her umbrella in her dash to get the only available seat. Naturally I was giving her mental voodoo for the entire ride but I didn’t say anything, unlike the large woman she sat next to whom loudly complained about water being dripped on her. Girl, you’re so fat that you wouldn’t feel water even if you were drowning.

This woman sat there contently linking arms with her Eminem wanna-be boyfriend as she read the newspaper and made commentary as she went along.

“Stupid white people always doing crazy shit,” she said.

”White people are crazy stupid,” he added. (Note: he was white.)

I looked at them not in shock, but more disgust that the intelligence level of the people I ride the train with is so sub-par that I might as well be living in Arkansas where no one knows anything other than corn fields.

She continued reading and said, “There goes another stupid white person.”

And now I was getting annoyed because #1- She’s being racist. #2- She’s basically insulting me and ignoring my own color. #3- It’s completely unnecessary to announce her unintelligent ideas to the train because while most riders might not speak English, I do and I wasn’t not impressed by her “wisdom.”

If you think you’re smart but are actually stupid

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK

Unlearn How To Talk Like a New Yawker?! Blasphemy!

I expected more out of the New York Times. I mean, it is the biggest New Yawk based paper. Even though they are more civilized and intelligent than The Post or Daily News, they should still respect New Yawk.

Today’s article, “Unlearning to Tawk Like a New Yorker,” makes my blood boil because this is exactly what this blog has been talking about- people trying to take New Yawk away from us. We’re already losing our essence; you can’t take our voice too!

Now NON-NEW YAWKERS want to diagnose us as having something wrong with how we speak while living in OUR city! This is like a bad “so a guy walks into a bar” joke that no one ever laughs at.

Hey Texas, Alabama, Canada, Mexico, India, wherever! You have accents too and just because we don’t like it or understand a thing you say when you speak doesn’t mean you’re inferior. Well actually you are because you’re not a New Yawker.

If you have a problem with how real New Yawkers speak don’t visit our city, and if you’re already here

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK!

Rules of Subway Etiquette

1. Do not sneeze or cough on others
2. If the train is crowded, please be advised to not press your body against another. Bed bugs are an issue people!
3. Do not try to fit into a seat if you are too large to do so. Also, do not take up more than one seat. Close your legs!
4. If you have a child, make sure they don’t start touching others.
5. If a pregnant or elderly person is standing, you should give up your seat. Yes you, lazy fat man with no consideration for others.
6. If you can’t abide by these simple rules:

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK!

Real New Yawker

If you don’t know the answer to these questions

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK!

New Yorker Vs. New Yawker

When The Village Voice ran its “50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live in New York City” on Wednesday, there was an overwhelming sense of New York pride being shared by some individuals, especially on Facebook.

While they momentarily were “euphoric” I shook my head because they were New Yorkers and NOT New Yawkers. One of the “proud citizens” is originally from Missouri and only got established here because of daddy’s money. Newsflash– you have no right to be proud living here when you are not from here!

This is the problem with New York- it’s no longer New Yawk. There are more non-natives than natives and let’s be honest, it’s easy to spot the transplant from Kentucky or even Jersey. Hell, we New Yawkers know when you’re from Long Island (which is not New Yawk FYI)

So in honor of the Voice’s 50 reasons, here are The New Yawkers 5 Reasons To Be Pretty Damn Pissed Off Others Live In New Yawk Citay

5:  Our trains are even more overcrowded and seats are stolen by someone looking completely foreign sitting there.

4. So tired of hearing people brag about where they went out last night as if it was the coolest thing ever because their previous sheltered lives at Walmart truly don’t compare.

3. We’re sickened by those who have no problems affording rent in places we want to live in because they were able to save so much more money living in the middle of no where their whole lives wearing the same over-alls everyday and not maintaining their daily hygiene.

2. When we meet someone new, they ask where we’re from. Since when do New Yawkers need to establish our hometown? It used to be pretty damn evident in our impeccable tastes and our unique slang, and now someone has the audacity to ask us where we’re from in our own city?!

1. Non-New Yawkers are annoying. Period.

If you fall into one of the above 5 reasons why we’re pissed off:

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK

Aliens Among Us

Yesterday New York was apparently visited by aliens. And no, not the illegals that cross our borders. I’m talking intergalactic aliens.

Shiny silver objects swerved in the sky over Manhattan, making us wonder, are we alone? Sure they could have been balloons but if I was an alien, I’d certainly come to New York. It’d be so easy to blend in with all the other crazy people, just like Men in Black proved.

Maybe the aliens are pissed off because they took offense to Carl Paladino’s words. Kids are brainwashed that aliens are bad too. They’ve come back for revenge!

Even though I wouldn’t mind if they took Paladino hostage and probed him till his rat eyes fell out of his head, aliens scare me. So if you are an alien

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK!

(or else I will)

MTA = Major Theft Alert!

The MTA has a lot of nerve. They approved another batch of fare hikes today even though service is horrible.  Trains are dirty,  show up when they please and stop more than necessary all because of “red signals ahead.”

And when they do have service changes, it’s not like we will even know since they’ve decided to put signs up in Chinese! Hello, this is America we speak ENGLISH!

Come January, a single ride will cost $2.50. That’s a venti coffee at Starbucks or a slice of pizza- much more enjoyable than a train ride. And a monthly will jump from $89 to $104!

Funny how just today my D train decided to stop for 10 minutes and then move slower than a baby taking their first steps when weighed down by a poop-filled diaper. I won’t have a job because of the MTA making me late and then I really won’t be able to afford a metrocard.

The MTA expects us to fix their defecit that they created with greed and corruption. If you can’t do math because you didn’t graduate high school, resign from the MTA and

GET OUTTA NEW YAWK!